Council Tax, Catholics and Caravans

Good afternoon.

It's not everyday that you get to write your first blog and today is no exception. This isn't my first blog. I wrote one a while ago. One. And I got bored of writing it immediately because I didn't have to face real life at that point and hence had no need to procrastinate my day away instead of looking for a job. Or paying Council Tax. And now I need to do both of those things.  The second one soon. So soon in fact they wanted it months back. No need to get all high and mighty about it, I'm sorting it, it is in the process of being sorted, it will soon be sorted. I know for the past few years I have lived off your taxes. As a student. But let's get one thing straight. To those who plead 'My taxes pay for your education!', you are wrong. They pay for our drugs, alcohol and takeaways. The education bit I did myself.

Apologies if that last bit sounded ranty. I feel trapped at the moment, OK?, I just need some space. And £400 by next week. I'm not sure what happens after that though. Do the council employ heavies? By heavies I mean thuggish debt collectors, not fat people. They have to employ fat people nowadays. I imagine they're given a quota. A quota-pounder with cheese. [Aathankyou, I'll be here all week]. I bet being a heavy in this age of health and safety is a bit boring. "I'm afraid you're going to have break your own legs, Sir. Can you sign this for me? It's just in case you manage to break my legs in the process of breaking yours". I'm not really sure what they could take if they did turn up though. A lot of stand up comedy dvds? Cuttlery? What I know is this - if it gets to that point I AM re-enacting HomeAlone.

 I do not want to eke out all of the joy from this vestibule of my failings so I am now going to eke it out from someone else's. Catholics. Apparently the Pope is coming to stay! How exciting! He like never visits! And he's going to be a judge on the X-Factor. He has no knowledge of the music industry whatsoever. But like Simon Cowell, he is rich, famous and responsible for single-handedly destroying the lives of thousands of people. If that last line was a bit much replace it with 'But he did win Pope Idol'. He is unfortunately not going on the X-Factor but there is special edition merchandise to commemorate his visit. Lucky us. With thousands of Catholic children playing with pope dolls I hope he's not into Voodoo. I'm making my own shower gift and it's called Pope-on-a-rope. Perfect for showers. Can also be used as a cosh. Jokes aside - I hope the visit all goes peacefully, I wouldn't want him to be assassinated. Purely to avoid giving Dan Brown any ideas for another stupid book.

And Finally to caravans. I stayed in a caravan recently with my girlfriend. It belongs to her nan but the lease is up and it is being sold. She's known it all her life. In a lovely spot, right next to the sea. The sea spray stains the windows its so close. And I was lucky enough to see it myself. A little break in the town of Hornsea with my girlfriend, and her nan, in a caravan. Climbing on rocks, picking up dog poo, climbing on rocks with a bag of dog poo. A trip to a local museum where they showed that life there in the olden days was as fun and interesting as it is in any other museum. And most of all lots of time with my girlfriend. I'm going to miss her so much in the next few weeks. Mainly because I'll be in prison for tax evasion.
But will I end up in prison?,
                                       remain jobless?,
                                                             become homeless?
                                                                                        and desperate?
                                                                                                             Ending my days in a caravan?...

                                                                                                                Pfft. Is the Pope Catholic?